Classification A
New recruits
New Parents
For households currently operating within the first twelve months of infant arrival.
National Bureau of New Parenthood
A fake newsletter made by one very tired dad.
Yep, that’s me. Not my most flattering photo. Just a tired middle-aged dad taking a nap with his son. Somewhere between the naps, diaper changes, insurance calls, and reheated coffee, I had a strange idea:
What if becoming a parent came with an 'official' orientation packet? So I created this weird satirical newsletter filled with fake agencies, infant directives, public safety notices, and sleep-deprived bureaucracy.
Underneath the jokes, though, this project came from something real. Parenthood has a strange way of putting life on autopilot.
Field photo / personal archive
Actual father. Questionable sleep conditions.
I wanted to make something that encouraged exhausted parents to slow down for a few minutes and laugh at the absurdity of it all.
Every newsletter is written, designed, and packed by me in small batches. If this thing gives you five quiet minutes with a cup of coffee while a tiny government official screams in the other room, then it did its job.
~ Carey
Who's This For?
Approved for exhausted households.
The Bureau has identified several categories of civilians likely to benefit from official newborn orientation materials.
Classification B
External support
Friends & Family
For civilians attempting to provide a gift more psychologically useful than another stuffed animal.
Classification C
Prior exposure
Veteran Parents
For previously affected households revisiting survived newborn conditions from a now-safe distance.
Classification D
Archive interest
Curious Readers
For readers who enjoy strange printed media, satirical bureaucracy, and unusual collectible newspapers that probably should not exist.
The Arrival
Official materials, delivered to your door.
Each packet is designed to feel like something that probably should not have arrived in the mail.
Inside: one satirical newborn newsletter, one confidential briefing insert, and enough bureaucratic nonsense to make early parenthood feel slightly more survivable.
One new field report is issued each month.
Each edition is built around a different stage of infancy, using themed templates and fabricated Bureau logic to communicate more efficiently with exhausted parents.
The Workstation
Confidential Insert
Kitchen Counter Evidence
Inside Issue 002
Inside Issue 001
Why it exists
A small attempt to make parenthood feel a little less serious.
Created by a first-time dad during the months when sleep became theoretical and coffee became infrastructure.
Each edition is written around a specific month of a baby’s life — the sleep regressions, feeding phases, strange milestones, contradictory advice, and tiny emergencies that suddenly consume the entire house.
Every issue is framed as an “official” government field report for new parents, mixing fictional directives and bureaucratic nonsense with real experiences from my own first year as a dad. They’re written in real time as we move through each month ourselves, so the reader follows the journey alongside us — one month at a time.
Some months feel like pure madness. Others funny or strangely magical. Some are genuinely hard. The goal isn’t to make parenthood feel perfect, it’s to make exhausted parents feel a little less alone while they survive it.
While the reports are written for exhausted new parents, they’ve also become an accidental archive of our first year raising a child — somewhere between a field manual, a satirical newspaper, and a running record of a house quietly battling for control.
The concept is simple: the baby is in charge. The adults are just trying to file the paperwork.
The Archive
Twelve months. Twelve reports. One very long year.
Each monthly field report documents a different phase of early parenthood as events continue to unfold.
Additional materials released monthly pending bureau review.
Issue 001
Released
Something Came Out of You
Hospital bracelets. Sleep deprivation. Paperwork multiplication events. Early attempts at operational stability have largely failed.
Issue 002
Released
Witching Hour Commences
Late-night panic, tactical caffeine deployment, and ongoing morale deterioration.
Issue 003
Fieldwork commenced
Much-Needed Reprieve
Sleep patterns temporarily stabilize. Domestic morale improves. Bureau officials remain cautiously optimistic regarding sustained normal function.
Remaining reports currently pending review.
Issue 001
Something Came Out of You
$22 · Shipping included
Order Issue No. 001Issue No. 001 covers the first month home — the just-left-the-hospital phase where nobody has a clue what they’re doing and the rules seem to change every hour.
Theme classification: Real-world
Ships in a 9 x 12 hard mailer. Additional reports are released monthly. Enroll for automatic monthly editions. Orders are processed and dispatched every Tuesday from the Quiet Harbor District distribution office. Allow 3-5 business days for delivery.
Issue 002 [Current]
Witching Hour Commences
$22 · Shipping included
Order Issue No. 002Issue No. 002 documents the Witching Hour phase — the period in which household stability deteriorates nightly and all known soothing methods begin failing simultaneously.
Theme classification: Medieval Panic
Ships in a 9 x 12 hard mailer. Additional reports are released monthly. Enroll for automatic monthly editions. Orders are processed and dispatched every Tuesday from the Quiet Harbor District distribution office. Allow 3-5 business days for delivery.